The Most Beautiful and Terrifying Moment

It has been a while since I have posted a blog entry. It has been almost a year in fact. I think this occasion is a good enough reason to get back into my blog writing. I would like to introduce you all to my Fiancée

My Fiancée

My Fiancée Tyffani

Yes, I got engaged toTyffani Thompson. It was a magical moment for me and my new fiancée. We met 3 years ago at work and had been friends for a couple of years. When we first met neither of us would have imagined we would be at this point. If you were to ask her she would swear it never would have happened. She tried hard to stay away and keep anything  more than a friendship from developing. So we hung out a few times and stayed friends until late last year. Dating her felt different than anything I have ever felt before. This was different from any relationship I had in the past. Love was building and by January it was full blown and both of us were captivated by it and each other. It was here where the first thoughts of making this and her a permanent part of my life.

The Plot Thickens.

We spent every weekend together. We were unapologetically in love. No matter what anyone said or thought we loved one another. We did have some challenges. She had doubts. I had hesitations. Together we had resolve. We also had no intentions of letting either of those prevent my story and her story from becoming our story. One January afternoon, after a trip and during one of Tyffani’s doubting moments, I watched her as she napped and thought “God, I want to Marry her”.  With that I worked to be a better man. The thoughts of marriage and proposals came to flood my mind but I knew that we were not there or ready yet. I needed to improve myself and character. We laughed and loved and fought and partied. We hosted family gatherings and Special events. We went on trips to plenty of places Charleston South Carolina, Dominican Republic, Mexico, Florida, Virginia and others. We were trapped in love. I didn’t want to escape.

2-14 3

Charleston Waterfront

2-14 2

Toast in Charleston

Punta Cana 1

Punta Cana Fun

We are two silly Kernels on a cob

I have always known that when I wanted to propose I would want to do something in public and fun. I also try to have a bit of romance to me. So I knew that anything I did had to incorporate those two elements. I also knew that whatever proposal I had planned had to be significant to her. I had thought of several different public forums to actually do the proposal. Some of the ideas that came to me were karaoke or a flash mob dance. (As much as I try to deny it, I’m not a great singer or dancer.) In the end, neither of those felt right. Neither showed of my romantic aptitude. I used to write very often. I used to perform open mic poetry on stage at a few places. I shared with Tyffani that I had written poetry before. She had asked me to write something for her. I had written something small and quick for her.  That was the end of it until I thought about a new poem I wanted to write for her….

Tyff

Stop This World from Spinning!

The poem idea came after watching other proposals and thinking about what exactly that moment is for a man. I, also being a huge thrill seeker and having a love for flying or soaring, swinging, gliding through the sky thought about that moment before you jump from a plane or base jump site or even the pendulum drop at an amusement park. That moment being a beautiful and terrifying moment. You making the decision to let go and or leap into the sky and not know whether you will crash or if you will be caught or if you will fall or fly. “It has to be a wonderful and scary moment.” I thought to myself. So I decided to write the poem as a metaphor.

“In order to feel heaven I have to touch the sky!”

Once I decided that I wanted to do a poem the next thing to determine was how to deliver the poem. I knew an open mic was the way to go. I knew I would need to try to get family there so my original idea was to have her sister invite us to a quaint open mic poetry night at a spot. The plan was to progressively invite more family along with us, in what I would try to make in unsuspecting fashions. I would then to her surprise hop on stage after my name was called and perform.  I was prepared to reach out to old contacts to try to host an open mic if I couldn’t find one already being hosted during the period I would want to propose. The problem with that plan is that she would be suspicious if there was that much family at an event. So I needed a new plan.

The Ring

The Ring

It was at this point where I bought the ring. That was a challenge in and of itself. But immediately after I had purchased the ring I began having a bit of second thoughts and worries of if I was doing the right thing. Now anyone that knows me and has ridden in my car knows I have an unorthodox way of listening to music. I usually let my entire collection play. Usually this means going from an R&B song to a Pop song to a rap song to country or gospel or rock. Im told its hard to catch a mood in my music selection. But in the exact moment of my doubt I got Devine confirmation of my decision. The song Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran, which is special to us for a number of reasons, began playing. It was then followed by Bruno Mars’ Marry You. 

Armed with this newfound confirmation and confidence, I went ahead started working on fine tuning my plan. (I don’t want to give all the details before you see for yourself below) I found the perfect event which was another confirmation. This also gave me a date. The plan ended up working to where I could get all of our immediate family there and Tyffani not know it, as well as me surprise her with the proposal. Below is the Poem and the proposal both and some photos of the day of the proposal. (So I actually was nervous and there was so much going on I forgot some lines.) Please Enjoy Share and comment. 

So there it is folks. That was the culmination of months of planning and different ideas. I knew I wanted to plan the event around October or November because this was the time when we started to have our relationship grow. We have a number of special moments in October and November. So once I purchased the ring I began looking for open mic events and then I found that the Blumenthal Performing Arts center was hosting an open mic at their Spirit Square McGlohon theater. The event was schedueled for October 30th 2015 and this fit within the time frame of when I wanted to propose. What really sold me was the size of the theater and the fact that they were encouraging performers and audience to wear costumes. I loved this fact because this allowed me to have our family all there to witness the event without Tyffani ever knowing they were there. This also allowed me to perform and for her to not know it was me until the point when I wanted her to know. This venue and event was perfect in every way that perfect could be.

Once I found the event and venue,  I called and advised them of my plan. They were very supportive and eager to help and assist me. They allowed me to come by and visit the venue and plan the proposal. They also offered much assistance and I thank all of them for their involvement before and day of. After the venue was secured I needed to coordinate with the family. So I gathered up everyone’s contact information and informed them of the news. I contacted her grandparents and asked for their blessings. I then had to gather the important people in our lives and make sure they were there to be a part of it. I invited my 3 sisters, My Mom, Tyffani’s Son, Mom, Sisters, grandparents and best friend. Her brother, unfortunately was not able to make it. There were also plenty of nieces and nephews there as well. I kept in secret email correspondence with all of them. It was a clandestine operation and I was the Jason Borne of wedding proposals I had deleted every evidence of it from my phone. Any pictures or text messages were instantly deleted. I used a secret email address. I even made the family members delete conversations from their phones. No one was allowed to text me about it unless I text them first. I went so far as to throw her off the scent by downplaying my readiness to marry her. I even lied to her face and flat out told her there were many things for us to work on to get there. I annoyed her and acted disinterested in her discussions. every word out of my mouth was carefully vetted before they left my mouth, like soldiers off to do battle. I was determined for this to be a complete surprise to her.

My next task was to perfect the poem. As I mentioned earlier the theme was a metaphor of The Most Beautiful and Terrifying moment but I needed to make sure it was special to us and related to our relationship. There was a moment where it all fit together. Back when Tyffani and I were dating and beginning to get serious in our relationship and wondering about the next steps, we were both hesitant for our own reasons. We had both been through a lot and as I mentioned Tyffani was already trying to push me away for the longest time. She was afraid of us failing, of being hurt and losing out on our friendship. She used a metaphor of her being on the ledge and worried about taking the step off. She was scared of falling. She didn’t want to jump she felt she had no parachute and she was right. She wanted to stay safe and comfortable on the ledge and then the words of the thought she was terrified of seemed to escaped the prison of her lips dying for freedom.

“What if I stepped out off the ledge”

Without a hesitation I responded with

“I’ll catch you”

This was it. This was the moment from our relationship that married my poem with our love. I had to make this the signature.

Now that that was all in place I just had to wait until the day of event. Leading up to the day I was not nervous at all. I had to remain calm to make sure I had all bases covered. The plan was to have her sister invite her to the open mic event. I would be invited as well but I would decline and state that I had to work and instead would watch their children. I meanwhile, on the day of the event would get all of our family in the theater early seated and in costume so that she wouldn’t recognize them or me. I also invited a friend of mine whom Tyffani did not ever meet in person but also in mask. Her purpose was to help get Tyffani and her sisters to their designated reserved seats in the front row. She was also responsible for taking video from my phone during the performance and proposal. I chose her to do this because I figured Tyffani would be suspicious if her sisters started recording my performance. (They recorded anyway lol.) I also was supposed to have a camera on stage with me to film Tyffani’s reaction to the performance. I unfortunately in all of my day of excitement did not realize that I had not charged my camera battery. If I have one regret of the proposal it would be that I did not have that done.

On the day of, I was a robot. I had worked the night before from 9:00 pm to 7:00 am. At around 7:30 am before Tyffani left for work I fell asleep as I would normally do. I then woke up about 10:30 and began preparing. I had to prepare my poem. I would then go to my barber to get my haircut. Next I would have to be at Tyffani’s house to pick up the children and get them and myself dressed. All the while throughout the day taking and making calls to be sure everyone was going to be in place on time and to make sure everyone had all of the details. I didn’t even eat until about 5:00 pm. At 5:00 I met up with Tyffani’s grandparents and my mom and Tyffani’s best friend and headed to the theatre where my sisters and everyone else would meet with the exception of Tyffani and her two sisters. Their job was to take Tyffani out to a bar for drinks and snacks and stall her prior to, in order to make sure that everyone else was settled in first.  When we all met I gave the family the final details. I advised them when I was set to perform and informed them of the audible cue in my poem. The audible cue was the phrase “Cloud 9”. When they heard this they were to get up from their seats in the back of the theater and travel down to the front in view of Tyffani. I wanted her to know that her family was there to support her and share this special moment with her. That cue gave me enough time to also make my own reveal.

At the time of the doors opening I got everyone in. I was in full on dictator mode. I began barking out orders and demanding compliance. Once everyone was settled in and had their masks on. I put on my own mask. and waited in the lobby for the guest of honor. Once I spotted her I signaled my friend who then signaled the hostess to seat them. I walked away before being noticed and sat down in the back. I waited and watched other performers and then my name was called. All of a sudden all of the nervousness that should have been spread out over weeks came and hit me at once. I wasn’t worried that she would say no, not in the least. I worked so hard to make everything perfect. I wanted it to play out just how I imagined it. This moment was a culmination of so much planning and care and precision tactics. I did not want to mess up. I even had an iPod with my poem ready to go in my ear in case the nerves took over my memory. I then stepped on stage.

In that moment looking down at her barely visible through my mask…. I felt as if I WAS on top of a building about to jump… My metaphor poem was manifesting itself in that moment. I truly was feeling The Most Beautiful and Terrifying Moment. I press play on the iPod, and then what felt like disaster… the poem was already 3 lines in. I paused for a moment and just started speaking from the beginning. My pacing was a little faster than I had wanted because I was trying to catch up. I even skipped a line. I was also trying to disguise my voice. In an instant I settled myself down and thought of the hundred times I had listened to and recited the poem and calmed myself. I got through to the moment where it was time to reveal my face. ALL BETS WERE OFF. I knew the words but it was hard trying to force them out. They were there but hard to see through all of the emotions and litany of other things going on.  They were mere the gnats in a room full of giants. And then for the first time since 7:00 am that morning I could see her clearly. She was there never taking her really moist eyes off of me. I could hear her tears. I would hear the crying and sniffles of most of the family and then the wave hit me. I couldn’t think and it took all of my brain to hold back my own tears to finish the poem. To Ask The Question… I speak and I know its not how I had written it down but I don’t care. I reach for the ring, I kneel… I speak still knowing that it wasn’t exactly how it was written but still not caring… I wanted to get to that moment. The question was burning a fire in its cell to be released from my lips. She’s shaking her head and answering before I could even get it out. And then FREEDOM. I lept. We met in the air and now we are flying and ready to soar!

Here is the full poem for those that would like to read it:

The Most Beautiful and Terrifying Moment by Xavion Newkirk

Have you ever been high? I mean at the top of the world and looking down from the sky type high. Your breath is lighter than helium gas, your heart is a revving like a Nascar engine waiting on the green flag. Your apprehensive mind filled with second thoughts and hesitations. “What happens next?” written on your face with the ink of anxious anticipation. What ifs and speculations. But no, Now is not the time for regrets though…. You look down close your eyes and then let go. And you see and THERE is the moment. That wonderful, most beautiful and terrifying moment. The one where you take control of your fear an own it. When you let go and adorn the sky. See some fear the fall… but Me! Listen… I was born to fly… In that beautiful terrifying moment there’s a feeling of peace replacing my cares. I mean I literally get high on facing my fears. They say everyone has two choices when faced with peril right. Fight or Flight… Well ironically my fight is my flight. I’ll look for the tallest and most terrifying roller coaster sight. Get on wait for it to climb to its highest height. To feel that beautiful scary moment start when it stops. To feel my stomach in knots when it drops. I’ll raise my arms and throw my hands up to fly. I do this because in order to feel heaven I have to touch the sky. That’s why I’ll never stop trying I’m obsessed. It’s no wonder my church is called Elevation and my favorite team is The Jets. I look down and stand above the crowd. Some may say I have my head in the clouds. Well How else do you expect me to elevate my mind? So I will fly, soar, glide levitate and climb. Everyone wants to be at the top. No one wants to fall. I live for the moment. Others don’t want it at all. When you’re there with the bungee cord attached to your legs.That moment Standing on the edge looking down working up the courage to leap from your ledge. I know stepping off isn’t going to be easy In that beautiful scary moment the fear frees me. When I’m up there looking down but I have no plans to touch the ground. I want to touch the sky. If I stepped off will I fall or will I fly. That moment is where I am now … See you have me at the top of the world. You have me on cloud 9. With you I feel high even in my down time. But staying in one place isn’t how I’m made. Not too long ago you were in this moment on the ledge and afraid. There’s a reason it’s called falling in love. You’ll never find out if you keep it safe. I told you I’d catch you if you just took that leap of faith. Now it’s my turn to make that leap out into the sky. It’s a beautiful scary moment. Will I fall or will I fly? And if I fall for you all over again will you be catching me? Because see The most beautiful terrifying moment is asking…

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Notches of Happiness

2014, my 30th year of life. When I was a kid, I never thought I would make it to this point in life. I come from a background that I wont really elaborate on. I will say it wasn’t the best or safest environment for a young man or really anyone. I see news reports to this day of the terrible things that happen in that city. When I was a kid I hated the idea of moving to the south. I didn’t want to leave New York. I thank my mother for doing it either way. Without that decision I know that I wouldn’t be in this amazing place I feel I am in now.

Year 30 Begins.

Year 30 Begins.

I am 29 years old and I haven’t always had the nicest things or the greatest. I always have thought adversity and struggle builds character in the strong willed. I have always been humble of my past and beginnings. I remember what it is like to have nothing but love and the basics.  As a child you grow up thinking of all the amazing things that you will do… All that you will have… We grow up calling these things dreams… Dreams… a funny thing to call them. Dreams are intangible. Dreams are seen when you’re asleep. If you really want to accomplish goals you must be awake. You must open your eyes and look to see what it is you want to accomplish. You must visualize the path and map out your direction. It will come from long days, sometimes long nights. It will come from sacrifice and hard work. It will take dedication and focus. It will take an alertness. Some may start as dreams and create an inspiration, but they transform into progress, growth, stories and finally “Notches of happiness”.

Over the past three years I have been fortunate to have experienced much growth in my character. I have been blessed to add many notches in my belt that houses my bits of happiness. They all started as dreams. They haven’t all been easy and the path has not been all pain free. I have experienced much pain over those three years. In those three years I have grown to a small version of the man I dreamed I would one day be. There are still parts of me that will want to continue to improve. As a good friend of mine says constantly “I am a work in progress” and I will always be. Some think this is draining or doesn’t allow you to be happy or embrace all that you have become. I think it helps me appreciate it more and provides motivation. I realize how far I have come. From the young, poor, nerd kid to the older, wiser, nerd man that wants to save the world and improve all around him. I will continue to work to become more while recognizing I am more than I was!

Highlights of the past three years were;

Falling in love: A true deep and passionate love. I know many people might think that to be a soft moment, but I have grown to a point to accept vulnerabilities and not be a slave to them or the misconceptions of what they mean of me. That love didn’t turn out the way I expected. Thats the pain that I mentioned before but growth requires pain sometimes and usually provides the strongest push… A bolt of lightning hitting and providing the power needed. I am thankful for this. I learned a lot.

New Job: In 2011 I was in a miserable time. I wasn’t happy with my job at all. I didn’t feel respected or appreciated. In early 2012 I started a new job. It was in a different office and it was a job more suited to my skills, needs and personality. It was a huge boost to my ego and a catalyst for future notches.

Time Warner Cable Business Class

Time Warner Cable Business Class

 

Hard Work and Will

Hard Work and Will

Fitness: I had grown to a point where I had not been cautious of my weight or health and overall fitness. I had blown to over 220 lbs. This was the biggest I had ever been. I decided one day that I didn’t want to be that anymore. So, I worked my ass off! I studied, I researched,  I changed routines and diets. I motivated and willed myself to get fit. Not to just lose weight, but to get fit to be able to be athletic and compete in athletic challenges. I wanted to be able to do things I had never done before or hadn’t in a long time. I accomplished this and still continue to work.

Get Fit

Get Fit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fashion: Tie Tuesday. I posted about this before so I wont spend much time on this but I wanted to recreate my image and discover my sense of style. I wanted to express myself through my clothing and to mark myself for more than what everyone else thought of me or what I was.

Some tie showcases over the past year

Some tie showcases over the past year

Volunteerism: One of the running jokes my friends have is that I want to save the world. They arent far off. as I mentioned above. I know what it is like to have nothing or very little. I have suffered and been in desperate situations. I know what it means to want or need that helping hand and how much that can make a difference in someones day or life. 

Thank you for your time.

Thank you for your time.

Meeting Curtis Martin: One of the people that have been amazingly inspirational in the person I would like to be is Curtis Martin. I wrote a whole post on him and that meet-up here.

Definitely an amazing moment.

Definitely an amazing moment.

This brings me to 2014. This year has been an amazing year filled with a few special moments and pieces of happiness captured. I made a promise to myself last year that I would accomplish a few goals. The first of which is a continuing goal. I would mold myself into a better man. I will work to inspire people to do the same. I want to see a world where we are all pushing ourselves and each other to become better people. I want us to stop settling in this life as we are imperfect so theres no reason to try to become more or better. You don’t have to work to be perfect but to be better can improve us all. There is a lot happening in the world today and much of it saddens and darkens the hopes for a wonderful future. People are fighting each other and killing each other. We are making excuses for wrong doings and excusing some inexcusable acts. We fight with people of differences and disguise it as group/cultural/racial or religious pride. We can embrace differences and still see each other as one. My goal is to try to share this vision to bring people together. I am working on this goal and getting people to help each other and those in need. I have showcased my volunteering on social media as a way to inspire others to do the same. Theres a saying that if you do something good and more than one or two people know about it, then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. I can see the reasoning behind that but if no one glamorizes the care for fellow man then who will see all the good it can bring. I will say that while it hasn’t been the most successful goal of the year, I have seen moments where I have inspired. I have had friends mention to me their desires to volunteer after seeing me do so.

The next goal I started was from a seed planted last year. I had completed my second Warrior Dash race and it was after I completed the Spartan Race earlier that year. As I sat and looked at all of the medals I had. I thought to myself

“I would like to take the next step…”. “Next year I want a bunch more medals”.

So I decided that I would race to get more. I decided in January I would work to complete the Spartan Race Trifecta. I would race in three races each of different lengths. The Spartan Sprint. The Spartan Super and The Spartan Beast. The lengths were 5 miles, 9 miles and 12 miles. The number of obstacles were 17, 24, and 27. I knew that in order to prepare my body for this challenge I would have to work. I had never run anything longer than just over a 5K and I was very hesitant about completing the Super and Beast. But I set my mind to it and decided that I can do it. It is worth the time, training to complete something so physically challenging and proving to myself that I am willing to put myself through all challenges. I completed the Spartan Sprint in March. It wasn’t as challenging as my first sprint and I felt pretty good with my preparation heading in. I paced myself and handled many of the obstacles with ease. I even surprised myself on some of them. I will go into more detail on my races in a later post. I did write about my Spartan Sprint experience earlier this year. It was more about my mental  and emotional experience than the  physical and you can click here for it. I just completed my final two pieces of my Spartan Race Trifecta last month. They were by far the most physically challenging things I have done. There were times during the race where I thought that I would not finish and did not want to finish. The second race I wasn’t even sure I could do because of the toll the first race took on me… I decided though, that none of that would stop me. I made a commitment! A commitment to no one but myself that I would finish both of those races. After over 20 miles, over 50 obstacles and 10 hours… You are reading the blog of Spartan Race Trifecta completer!

 

Trifecta Complete

Trifecta Complete

Trifecta Finisher

Trifecta Finisher

Trifecta

Trifecta

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A notch of happiness

A notch of happiness

Another thing that I have accomplished was just last week when I met Curtis Martin for a second time. I met him at the Charlotte Touchdown Club. He was a guest speaker for the luncheon being hosted. I love hearing his stories of his background and where he has come from and how he has overcome adversity to be in the position of where he is now. The first time I met Curtis I was 50 lbs heavier. I didn’t expect him to recognize me. When I met him this time I reminded him of our first encounter back in 2012 during his induction and the letter I had written to him. He told me that he didn’t specifically remember and that he had gotten a few letters that day but kept them all. It was to be expected. We went ahead with the luncheon and then after the luncheon I spoke with him just a bit more and explained to him how he has been an inspiration to me. I brought up the letter again and I reminded him of his last words to me that day and how they were a catalyst for me to push me through challenges such as my fitness journey and The Spartan Races. Those words were “Keep Pressing”. Once I told him this, his eyes lit up and he said that he remembered me. He told me that he remembered saying that to me. I thanked him again for how much he has done for not just me but inspiring people all over. I appreciate that I got to share news with him that he had reached a goal of his own and found a “notch of happiness” by being able to inspire me. This is a moment that I will cherish for a lifetime!

This brings me to the final “Notch of Happiness”.  I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!!

I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!

I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!

I moved a bit

I moved a bit

When I moved into my last apartment back in 2012, I had realized that I was so tired of moving. I was tired of picking up my life and moving it from one place to another. I knew I hated moving way before this but I had decided I was actually exhausted. I didn’t feel I could rest. I felt that I had worked my ass off so hard and I didn’t really have anything to show for it. At that point I was still making payments on my car I just moved into another apartment that I wasn’t all that happy about and I didn’t feel it fit me or all my plans and hopes and the happiness I wanted for myself. I was tired of paying rent to stay in a place that was so far out of my control. I figured I was tired of moving and I was ready to stabilize my life and quit lifting heavy shit back and forth.  I decided that my next move will be to a place that I owned. That it would be to a place that I would stay in and have control over.

I wanted to be secure in the fact that someone wasn’t dictating how much I would pay them to tell me what I could not do. So, in that thought I decided to begin my research and that when my lease was up in 2013, I would be purchasing my first home. So I studied and did research I tried to learn all I could about the home buying process. I picked the brains of friends and even strangers. I reached out in all ways I thought I could. When 2013 came I took the next step. That february I began my search for a real estate agent to assist me. A friend of mine mentioned that his wife worked for a real estate agency and gave me her information. I looked her up and sent an email. Her office was right around the corner from my job’s office so I decided she would be the agent that I would reach out to first for information. After my first meeting with Kadena, she provided so much information that I hadn’t already known. She was sweet and was understanding of my newness to the process. When that meeting was over I felt the nerves that I had prior were still there but less prevalent. I was still hesitant about the financial process. I wasn’t sure I was able to cover the upfront expenses that would be involved. I was struggling a bit and hadn’t saved enough to the point where I had felt comfortable. I went back and forth about it for about a month. At that point it became close to the time for me to either move or renew my lease. I made the decision that I would renew my lease and put off buying the home until the next year.

Fast Forward to 2014 and the year of the decision. I realized that I absolutely did not want to renew my lease. I planned and spoke with friends. In April, 3 days before my birthday. I decided to contact my bank to get pre-approval for a loan. I received a call back on my birthday informing me I was pre-approved for a loan for the budgeted amount $150,000 I gave to the mortgage consultant Kevin. I then called Kadena and left her a message and informed her of my pre-approval. She called me back and thus we were ready to get the ball rolling. My original search parameters were for the current area I was in. I wasn’t having much luck with that so I expanded my search. I learned about so many different mortgage programs and housing and real estate terms. I asked hundreds and hundreds of questions. I feel I must have gotten on everyones nerves but they were all patient and assisted. When we were looking for homes I had a conception in mind of what I wanted but I also had to realize I couldn’t look for a dream home on a non dream budget.  It didn’t feel so much as settling as it did learning to love what can be beautiful. The whole process felt similar to a dating process. I found the home I wanted to make an offer on, it fit that idea perfectly. It wasnt my dream home or a perfect home but it fit so much of what I wanted and needed. It felt right but I also felt a fear of commitment creeping. I decided I would not let that keep me from gaining something possibly great and I walked into Kadenas office with a check for $1,000 earnest money deposit and made an offer on the home. There was some back and forth on the offer amount between myself and the sellers. In the end I put a number and held firm on that and the offer was accepted. Then came the most nerve racking part of the process. There were inspections to schedule there were papers and documents to submit and calls to make. So many times I became frustrated and worried about the process and what I was taking on. Until… one day I prayed and let go. I decided that the house was going to be mine and that I would great. When closing came I found out that instead of having to pay down payments or closing costs… I would actually be getting a check back for $650. I signed the papers and then had that beautiful feeling.

I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!

Closing; Kadena and I

Closing; Kadena and I

I have been in my home 2 months now and I am loving it. It is an amazing blessing. I couldn’t have done it all alone. There was faith and God involved. I want to thank Kadena and Kevin for everything. They took good care of me and provided me with my best interests. Kadena provided me with so much info and helped me tremendously. I would recommend her to anyone in the market for a home. Thank you to all the friends that have provided me with information and advice. I know have talked a few ears off and complained a lot. I truly love you all for being there.

So, safe to say I added a few notches of Happiness to my belt this year. Its time to tighten it up and see whats in store for 2015. Though I do know it will be tough to top 2014.

 

I Am

This is an older post that I have had for a while. It really captured my frame of mind at the time. What I loved most is that it was just straight writing. It was straight introspective. I just put my fingers on the keyboard and it felt as if all of this poured out. It was deep rooted and was definitive.

 

Enjoy!

 

I am mentally worn… So very tired. My brain checked out. Not to lunch and not on vacation… It is fired… heavy lays the air around me… Every breath feels like a drowning and every step feels a billion preceded it without rest. Every decision seems to be an impassable test. How did I come to this position of breakdown. Why am I feeling this Unquenchable wake now. Wheres my sleep? Wheres my relaxation. Well sleep has no representation without taxation. I will not be labeled lazy… But it ends up being unfairly labeled as crazy… Maybe I am. It is not my goal or desire to be likened to the insane. These burdens I carry I can’t help but wonder if I do it in Vain. What if I was to conform? Will this give me what I have been searching for all along? A home? A home amongst those Who I have cast out because they have cast me aside. But if I’m just copy of a million others will I be remembered if I died. Deep down I wish to be accepted… But strangely I relish times when I am neglected. Being different is my badge of Honor. but in reality the problem is I’m the only one that finds honor in my individuality… I’m fighting a war with myself and in a war versus me….. There is no Victory. Only pain and defeat. Best I can do is learn from my history… that this foe of mine… This is me…This battle is between a me deep inside and the one that is telling me lies… One knows the hidden me and one knows how to hide… I cant tell the difference between the truth and that unchecked youth. The one that still only believes and the one that knows..There’s someone in here that not even myself knows…. I’m afraid of failure so I lie to myself and say I cant do it. Which makes me a failure at owning up to it. Paradoxes seem to find comfort in my torture. I don’t fear that I’m inadequate nor powerful beyond measure. I fear not knowing which I am. I fear that either way it wont mean a damn. I fear not being able to take a stand and whether or not you recognize me as a man.